يسعسع الليل وضوء القمر يتوارى خلف ستائري...أيستحي؟

تتثاقل جفوني وها هو النعاس يزورني يهمس بكلماته الساحرة

وها أنا ألمس جسدي... وها أنا أجد نتؤات

هل ثقلت صحيفة قلبي من حسراتي، من انكساراتي، من أحزاني؟؟

أهل نقلها إلى جلدي لكي تُكتب وتُقرأ... أسيتوجب عليّ أن أفقج ثقتي بقلبي؟؟ فها هو يبرح مكانه ويلقي أسراري ومشاعري لمن يتلقفه...

وها هي عيني تتورد... لا.. لا تتورج خجلاً، بل تتورد مشقةً..

المشقة الناجمة من خطف دموعي وأخذها رهينة

فتمنعها من المرور والركض على خدي

وها أنا في سري وسرر أتنهد علّ يسمعني حبيبي...

فلا أنا بقادرة ولا أنا بصامتة..

بل أنتظر من يدفعني عن المنحدر..

How much can a heart handle? How many tears will eyes carry ??

How many hours will I last??

Razan

Stubborn, yes..

Harsh, yes..

Tired, definitely...

...

Careless? Never...

I fight you because I love you ...

I hurt you because you hurt me with your love..

I touch you because you are gentle..

I care because love is illogical

أنشتق الصعاب من الخيال؟؟

أنختلقها؟

أهل حقاً نرى الجبال أم نعتقد بوجودها لتبرير خوفنا من المضي قدماً؟؟

أهل نحوّل صوت حفيف الأشجار إلى وقع أقدام الكسور الضارية..

أحقاً توجد تلك المخلوقات ،الأصوات والبصمات؟؟

أرمينا الحياة الواقعية لكي ننزلق على خعبلات الحساد؟؟

أنستطيع أن نكون من دون خوف؟ من دون ريبة؟

رزان

Can my thirst be quenched?? Can my hunger be satisfied?? Can I stand up and be ?? Will I Be?

Questions for Fate. Fate! Fate! Fate! Do you enjoy being a Master?? Do you enjoy seeing us humble creatures dance for you ??

Fate! Don't you tantalize me, please. For I can't go through another heartburn, a scar, a tear, a tantrum.

I have questions running through my head. Questions that put me to sleep. Questions that a raging guitar can not tame.

FATE!! Do you exist?!

I dream ... Only of perfection. An Impeccable ME, HIM, US, WE.

Don't fill my head with wonder nor thunder. Just speak to me.

I ask you: "Is it a good day to be alive? "

I ask you again: "Is it good to be alive? "

I demand an answer which will cut the thick strings of thoughts that play in my head.

That play so loudly causing so much damage.

FATE!! I want a diamond in a purple box!

FATE!! What do YOU want??

Razan

p.s: just heard Metallica!

I've finally let go.. let go of everything that tied me but you my love... best friend as well

The rest I just let go..

After years of worrying and chasing ...

I give it a rest..

I am not the same person...

I love you all..

But in about a year you will be long gone

I'll be forgotten...

And through the thin air I see through one..

One, that doesn't belong in my heart..

I hope I don't hear you speak..

I'm not the same..

Something died..

Because of tears?

Scars??

Maturing maybe??

I don't know..

I won't tell anymore.. I have my heart to tell..

He's all I have ..

Others will leave..He won't

If someday you come back..

would you remember? Any of you??

The time when you danced, laughed, whined and cried..

and the time I watched ???

Razan

لو استطعت رسم روحي لجعلتها فتاة بخطوط بسيطة.. تستند إلى جدار جسدي ومتقوقعة على حالها...

فأشعر بأن قلبي انقبض وصغر... فلقد استنزف وثقل

ولا أدري ما العمل

فإنني منغمسة بوحدتي... وأبعد كل من يطرق بابي...

جسمي وهن، وقلبي ضعف .. لا أقوى على المواجهة، ولاالكلام...

ولا يوجد مكان لدموع تافهة

رزان

My forest made a secret agreement with the rain... It had allowed the rain to pour on its delicate petals and strong roots.

The heavy clouds exploded their passionate rain that poured so smoothly on my forest, revived it.

While the sky groaned, each pebble, each grain on my ground moaned ecstatically.

The rain fell on my forest thrusted it with life over and over again...

The agreement was nothing more than a clandestine affair...

An affair so addictive that became a habit... thus turning my forest and the rain to one..

Now, every time the rain plunges through the dark clouds it becomes one with my forest...

A rain forest..

Razan

I guess this entry is for me... I don't know why I'm publishing it, but its just some things I've been thinking about. My life mainly, yes I'm self conceited! I just need to "write"

 

Ever since my parents got a divorce, I was 5 i guess, I wanted to grow up. I can't remember but wishing to grow up. I guess because of that, I don't have memories that I am attached to. Maybe the urge that always was carved inside of me of growing up and moving on didn't allow me to hold anything that belonged to my past. I did hold on to some memories but they weren't much. I think my subconscious erased some events because of my conscience's will of leaving everything behind. The reason ( i think) that I don't remember what happened in my life is because I didn't want to remember, that I didn't want that life. When I was younger, I was goal-oriented. My goals were always to go live with my mom, to study in a university abroad (in Lebanon), to stay away from my dad. Those goals were exactly opposite to what my dad had in mind. Well, he changed he was out of his bitterness of my mom's lack of love for him. In a way, I didn't really live my childhood. i was too concentrated on getting older and maturing.

As years were passing by, everything changed me, my dad, my brother... And I got to know my mom. Some gaps got filled with what was missing with the changes that happened through time. Now, I'm trying to remember.

__________________________________________________________________

 

In this young life of mine, I lived most of it without my mom, which (of course) caused a troubled me. I was in extreme need of attention. I wanted people to feel bad for me, I never knew why but I wanted so. (Not anymore though!) I enjoyed the fact that it was hard for others to understand me.

Yes, I did have mother -like figures  in my life, but they were always temporary: My aunts. Until I reached the age were I thought I'm better off, and then I got to know my mom, which she showed me that I still need her. Every summer ever since I turned 13 I started seeing my mom. Some times I didn't recognize her, other times I didn't like her and a lot of times I found nothing in common with her, but I've always had a devoted love for her. I guess, because of her absence from my life, I had a trouble saying "no" to her. When we went together shopping, she used to choose clothes that I didn't like, but because she chose them I loved them. When I talk about something that I had to confront my mom with, I was so bold and all, but when the time actually came to tell her my voice became squeaky and I uttered words that I barely understood.

Finally this year, I found the courage to be truly me with my mom. I think my urge to please her was overwhelming. There was and still is this little 6 year old girl that had one single wish: Getting her mom back. That child always pops in when my mom diverts her attention to someone else; I still crave for her attention. What she thinks of me could either ruin me or amaze me.

I do give her a hard time every now and then, but sometimes it is very hard to be around her. She has this ability (she doesn't know so) to get me nervous that irritates me. My mom and I have mother-daughter issues that are hidden.

I guess my mom seem like a bad person. But she isn't. I love her... I really do... and I can't bare the idea of losing her.

__________________________________________________________________

 

My dad started treating me better. Before I went to Lebanon for the summer, my dad and I started to bond. I got to know a lot of things about him and some of his past. We learned to respect each other, which is a major thing. Then when I went to Lebanon and the war started I think my dad realized that he might lose his only daughter. Yes, that sounds egoistical and all, it's just that's how it seems. He actually hugged me when I came back. My dad and I never hugged before. I've always had a hard time with him when I was younger. I never understood why he was angry but I finally did. He was living in deep bitterness because of the divorce. I used to think it was because I'm a girl, and that I kind of looked like my mom. But it wasn't me, nor it was my brother.

__________________________________________________________________

My parents' divorce always was a mystery to me. But by every year that passed I collected more and more information of why they got one. Each member of my family benefited me with a piece that collided with others to help understand why the divorce occurred.

 

It helped me to know, to heal, to understand...

 

 

 

RAZAN

 

 

أأكتمها أم أرميها ... أرميها للتبعثر في الفراغ

كلمات..كلمات تبحث عن حرية التعبير

تغازلها دموع الفرح، دموع فرح مكتوم

كلمات لم تُخنق بغصة الحقيقة، بغصة الواقع

بل اُعتقت من قيودها الحديدية لتقفز في هدوء فمي

فما الهدوء إلا تخطيطي وتحكيم وتفكير

فالهدوء يلتحف بلحاء السكون ولكنه ليس إلا لحاء يُخفي حقيقته

أهل أُطلقها أم أرميها لتصطدم بجدار روحي الرقيق

أُطلق كلمات حبي له، كلمات فلبي لمملوكه

أحبك، أعشقك و أتمناك

في واقعي تسكن وفي أحلامي تمشي

حبيب قلبي يتأملني بعينيه منتظراً كلماتي

يا كلمات اذهبي! العبي! وكوني

يا كلمات... عودي لتذكري حبيبي بحبي له

 I ran away from my country as a refugee. That statement is hard to believe, even to my own self. I can't believe what is happening to my beloved city, to my beloved country. After years of war, here Lebanon is dying again.

Things are still foggy. I am not being able to comprehend what has happened. Life was pretty normal, maybe a bit slow over there. Just suddenly in a matter of two days, Israel was shooting and bombing us, and Lebanon or shall I say Hezbollah was striking them back. To be in the midst of gun fire is scary. But to hear bombs in the middle of the night, and seeing your family crying and trembling is a sight and sound that would cripple the mind and senses.

There's nothing that I could do, the news is hard to watch, the worrying is menacing and the horror is escalading.

 لبنان يجب أن يعود ويقف على رجليه... سيقوم إنشاء الله ولا يكون بلداً منكوباً

إن نكبته ليست إلا امتحاناً لقوتنا ووحدتنا

لبنانيون دوماً!

Razan

                  On daily bases I experience some undelightful insights on the world. How would a person be capable of functioning with such obstacles, I have to extract some time of my day to ponder upon different behaviors. Human beings are so simple, yet so complex with the factors that drive them. And the emotions can be such a whirlwind that would take a person to self-destruction or uplifting climax.

                 On a random day, a friend decides to not talk to you, until she decides - yet again - to laugh with you. On another, your number is unlisted, your ex-crash gets stabbed and you feel like a parasite.

In between all of that, you conceive some of the best clothing and get a Gucci wallet..

Climax... Self-destruction... it's all symmetrical