I've finally let go.. let go of everything that tied me but you my love... best friend as well

The rest I just let go..

After years of worrying and chasing ...

I give it a rest..

I am not the same person...

I love you all..

But in about a year you will be long gone

I'll be forgotten...

And through the thin air I see through one..

One, that doesn't belong in my heart..

I hope I don't hear you speak..

I'm not the same..

Something died..

Because of tears?

Scars??

Maturing maybe??

I don't know..

I won't tell anymore.. I have my heart to tell..

He's all I have ..

Others will leave..He won't

If someday you come back..

would you remember? Any of you??

The time when you danced, laughed, whined and cried..

and the time I watched ???

Razan

لو استطعت رسم روحي لجعلتها فتاة بخطوط بسيطة.. تستند إلى جدار جسدي ومتقوقعة على حالها...

فأشعر بأن قلبي انقبض وصغر... فلقد استنزف وثقل

ولا أدري ما العمل

فإنني منغمسة بوحدتي... وأبعد كل من يطرق بابي...

جسمي وهن، وقلبي ضعف .. لا أقوى على المواجهة، ولاالكلام...

ولا يوجد مكان لدموع تافهة

رزان

I guess this entry is for me... I don't know why I'm publishing it, but its just some things I've been thinking about. My life mainly, yes I'm self conceited! I just need to "write"

 

Ever since my parents got a divorce, I was 5 i guess, I wanted to grow up. I can't remember but wishing to grow up. I guess because of that, I don't have memories that I am attached to. Maybe the urge that always was carved inside of me of growing up and moving on didn't allow me to hold anything that belonged to my past. I did hold on to some memories but they weren't much. I think my subconscious erased some events because of my conscience's will of leaving everything behind. The reason ( i think) that I don't remember what happened in my life is because I didn't want to remember, that I didn't want that life. When I was younger, I was goal-oriented. My goals were always to go live with my mom, to study in a university abroad (in Lebanon), to stay away from my dad. Those goals were exactly opposite to what my dad had in mind. Well, he changed he was out of his bitterness of my mom's lack of love for him. In a way, I didn't really live my childhood. i was too concentrated on getting older and maturing.

As years were passing by, everything changed me, my dad, my brother... And I got to know my mom. Some gaps got filled with what was missing with the changes that happened through time. Now, I'm trying to remember.

__________________________________________________________________

 

In this young life of mine, I lived most of it without my mom, which (of course) caused a troubled me. I was in extreme need of attention. I wanted people to feel bad for me, I never knew why but I wanted so. (Not anymore though!) I enjoyed the fact that it was hard for others to understand me.

Yes, I did have mother -like figures  in my life, but they were always temporary: My aunts. Until I reached the age were I thought I'm better off, and then I got to know my mom, which she showed me that I still need her. Every summer ever since I turned 13 I started seeing my mom. Some times I didn't recognize her, other times I didn't like her and a lot of times I found nothing in common with her, but I've always had a devoted love for her. I guess, because of her absence from my life, I had a trouble saying "no" to her. When we went together shopping, she used to choose clothes that I didn't like, but because she chose them I loved them. When I talk about something that I had to confront my mom with, I was so bold and all, but when the time actually came to tell her my voice became squeaky and I uttered words that I barely understood.

Finally this year, I found the courage to be truly me with my mom. I think my urge to please her was overwhelming. There was and still is this little 6 year old girl that had one single wish: Getting her mom back. That child always pops in when my mom diverts her attention to someone else; I still crave for her attention. What she thinks of me could either ruin me or amaze me.

I do give her a hard time every now and then, but sometimes it is very hard to be around her. She has this ability (she doesn't know so) to get me nervous that irritates me. My mom and I have mother-daughter issues that are hidden.

I guess my mom seem like a bad person. But she isn't. I love her... I really do... and I can't bare the idea of losing her.

__________________________________________________________________

 

My dad started treating me better. Before I went to Lebanon for the summer, my dad and I started to bond. I got to know a lot of things about him and some of his past. We learned to respect each other, which is a major thing. Then when I went to Lebanon and the war started I think my dad realized that he might lose his only daughter. Yes, that sounds egoistical and all, it's just that's how it seems. He actually hugged me when I came back. My dad and I never hugged before. I've always had a hard time with him when I was younger. I never understood why he was angry but I finally did. He was living in deep bitterness because of the divorce. I used to think it was because I'm a girl, and that I kind of looked like my mom. But it wasn't me, nor it was my brother.

__________________________________________________________________

My parents' divorce always was a mystery to me. But by every year that passed I collected more and more information of why they got one. Each member of my family benefited me with a piece that collided with others to help understand why the divorce occurred.

 

It helped me to know, to heal, to understand...

 

 

 

RAZAN

 

 

 I ran away from my country as a refugee. That statement is hard to believe, even to my own self. I can't believe what is happening to my beloved city, to my beloved country. After years of war, here Lebanon is dying again.

Things are still foggy. I am not being able to comprehend what has happened. Life was pretty normal, maybe a bit slow over there. Just suddenly in a matter of two days, Israel was shooting and bombing us, and Lebanon or shall I say Hezbollah was striking them back. To be in the midst of gun fire is scary. But to hear bombs in the middle of the night, and seeing your family crying and trembling is a sight and sound that would cripple the mind and senses.

There's nothing that I could do, the news is hard to watch, the worrying is menacing and the horror is escalading.

 لبنان يجب أن يعود ويقف على رجليه... سيقوم إنشاء الله ولا يكون بلداً منكوباً

إن نكبته ليست إلا امتحاناً لقوتنا ووحدتنا

لبنانيون دوماً!

Razan

                  On daily bases I experience some undelightful insights on the world. How would a person be capable of functioning with such obstacles, I have to extract some time of my day to ponder upon different behaviors. Human beings are so simple, yet so complex with the factors that drive them. And the emotions can be such a whirlwind that would take a person to self-destruction or uplifting climax.

                 On a random day, a friend decides to not talk to you, until she decides - yet again - to laugh with you. On another, your number is unlisted, your ex-crash gets stabbed and you feel like a parasite.

In between all of that, you conceive some of the best clothing and get a Gucci wallet..

Climax... Self-destruction... it's all symmetrical

                                     TIME..time..time..ah time

"Race against time"an expression we heard of a lot in life, it took me a long time to finally understand it.. I was always in doubt why it was said.. in doubt of it's precision ..  

Lately, time has been slipping out of my hands,  I didn't have time to talk, to relax, to think normally, to be..

its just been hectic...

I guess we finally have lost the race; our numbness, our laziness they're nothing but our sweat from the race..

Everyone is just too caught up with everything..

For an example, my friends and I .. don't have time to call each other and check up or update each other. And even if we did have time we would prefer to use to just sit down and do nothing. Even while doing nothing, the thoughts that are running through our minds r tiring.

I think that could justify a lot of people's numbness towards global issues, we are too tired to think, to act and to get  up..

All we need is just some time-out, to pick up and continue the old-age race..

maybe someday we are destined to win..

or maybe not..

Love to all...

Razan

Hello..

its 3 something A.M .. and I've decided to share another side with the whole wide world! (its past midnight I don't know what am I saying). My girly side (yes I got a boyish side) wants to SHINE!  Since my boyishness is asleep, my girly inner me got some stuff on mind:

1. Shopping, I found these two items online! I fell in love with them.
2. Body, I'm starting to worry and feel guilty about my eating habits, nothing new about that.
3. Criticizing a "writer"...

So, blogger, readers,spacers,friends..who ever is on my space. Bear with moi! :D:D

Okay,  my 3things makes me seem like a typical girl, but seriously I am an atypical girl (why am i justifying myself??)

ANYWAY:

Omg! I was on msn, and I found these amazing DIAMOND EARRINGS! I want them  *hint hint* Valentine's Day is coming up, and well..ah Mother's day as well ( imagine im a mom) .. What else?? My birthday is like 6 months away you could prepare from NOW

This the link for them:  ( the pics are at the very end of this blog)

http://www.overstock.com/cgi-bin/d2.cgi?cid=75682&PAGE=PRODUCT&PROD_ID=61550&fp=F

a question: Why are girls into jewelry?? Actually guys are equally interested as well? But why? Is it because, jewels are expensive small (could be big) things that represent our financial status?? If they were cheap, would have they been this umm BIG and WONDERFULL?? Hmm

The other item: A skirt! Very nice! Although it isn't my style, but there's nothing wrong with changing! I loved it! Specially the cream/beig-ish one! I love it!

The link:

http://www.overstock.com/cgi-bin/d2.cgi?cid=75680&PAGE=PRODUCT&PROD_ID=1626081&fp=F

____

Now, to the second thing:

Im gaining weight like crazy, I hate that. a few weeks ago I was just satisfied with how I looked. Now, im just eating, chocolate (damn them), ice cream that go right to my thies. I'm not eating right. Ever sine my finals started, I haven't been eating right or sleeping right. Now, finally my 2 weeks vacation started I could rest, start a diet. I HATE DIETS! The problem is being over weight or fat, doesn't affect you and you only. It effects the way the society, the opposite sex, the same sex look at you and judge you. Yeah yeah, you shouldn't care about what people say bla bla bla... but eventually it gets to you, it penetrates you. I don't know why it isn't accepted to look differently like others. See, if I went back in time, maybe to the roman/Greek times. I would be one of those SEXY chicas  if you noticed the paintings of ladies at those times and the sculptures of them as well, are all about CHUBBY girls! They got their bellies dangling and thies filled with fat. Okay so it isn't THAT beautiful but I guess life was much easier. And in old times, in Arabian Bedouin times, if a girl was chubby/fat that means she was from a wealthy family, a good status, a good blood line.. ah can't we go back to those times ??

Anyway, may I add, I despise reality shows like The Swan, all they do is create Barbie like dolls ( they all look alike) and make them lose weight like crazy .. and at the end they don't look that good..all those ladies needed a good self esteem and clothes make over with new hair cut!

Hopefully if i feel better tomorrow I would start working out and lose some weight and start feeling better about myself.

I think that we should stand up against all those "SKINNY girls are the best!" and "Skinny girls are the hottest!!" magazines, shows,music videos,movies..AND BURN THEM! mohahaha!! (AGAIN IT IS PAST MIDNIGHT)

O..um..btw I don't have anything against people who are fit/skinny... .. ( most of them got bigger issues while we got just the weight issue :P:P JK) but seriously I got nothing against them.

A q: Would you rather be too skinny or too fat?? (Stupid question I know) 

Another question: Is this obsession of weight lose and staying fit is going to fade away or escalate??

____

Now, the third thing: (I hope anyone has reached here)

A few days ago, I read this Saudi "novel" that had a huge effect on the public opinion nation-wide.

"Girls of Riyadh" yeah who did NOT talk about it??

I think, Raja's Al-Saleh (the writer) seemed like an intellectual, culturlized <-- is it a word?  creative 13 year old.

While reading the story, I felt I was reading a school paper. But as for the writing itself: yes there was creativity in the way of putting the words, there was intellectual information and usage of quote, a good description of event and settings, a good story teller.

This book is about 4 girls that are friends; it presents things that happened to those girls, this book started out as emails. An anonyms person used to send emails to almost everyone in Saudi about those girls. Updating them every week on new events, speaking about things that everyone knew it existed but denied it. The writer always explained that the book is only telling the stories of her friends. But there was much depth (did she realize that?) she tried discussing much more complicated issues.

I found that book aimless. If the woman wanted to fix some wrong ideas that that society has, that was NOT the way.  That book was merely gossip. It was given more attention that is should have had.

It was written by a Saudi, about Saudi (negatively) TO Saudis.

As from the literature point of view (mine): the words were weak for an Arabic language, she over used the Saudi slang that if a person from another country read it, would have not understood 3/4 of it.

She was .. in a way .. A biaset..she seemed (slightly) a feminist as well..

The bottom line, I think this whole issue about the "writer" and her book is overrated. And I just realized that helped in that by writing about it.. But maybe my writing and my criticism is a way to demolish the attention...or not..

 I Hope I didn't bore or annoyed anyone .. <-- Doesn't it look like a F*** you Smile? O well I don't mean it like that..now..

its 4 something.. i gtg sleeeep  

Razan

I'm wondering..what do people (from any religion) know about Jihad?

The word "Jihad " means “struggle or striving” in the Way of God. Every effort made by a Muslim to do good acts comes under Jihad.

Muhammad (peace be on him), once said that the greatest Jihad is to speak the truth in the face of an oppressive ruler. This is because this requires real sincerity for truth and courage.

Once while addressing those who came back after a battle, he said that they should now get ready for a greater Jihad. When they asked in surprise what could be a greater Jihad than an actual battle, the Prophet said he meant the fight with one’s own soul, against selfishness, greed, lust, and a hundred other evil inclinations and promptings of the heart.

One form of the Jihad is taking up arms to defend one’s freedom or one’s birthright to one’s homeland. Another form of Jihad is the struggle to defend Islam or the Muslims when attacked. But Jihad can never be a tool of oppression for compelling a person to convert to Islam, because God has prohibited the use of force in religion. (Holy Qur’an 2: 256).

(copied from:http://www.islamonline.net/english/discover/discover10.shtml <-- trusted Islamic website)

What got me talking about this subject exactly is a symbol I saw people use to symbolize jihad; it was a machine gun. Jihad isn't about war.. its about being a better muslim (that is what i think)  Jihad has three branches:

1. Jihad with words, its when you defend your right and other muslims by standing against someone who abuses you.. It isnt violence. Its about standing up for yourself and what you believe in as a muslim.
2. Jihad with the heart, it is hating to commit a sin, it is staying away from what God prohibited us from. It is simply doing whats right.
3. Jihad with battle. it is as said, is a struggle to defend Islam or the Muslims when ATTACKED. And Jihad occurs when a  prince or king or who rule muslims order them to do so. and that can only happen if there were enough reasonable reasons. Islam does not support violence in any way.

This, I think should be understood.. .. We do Jihad everyday..

People should be aware.. Islam is about peace within a person's self, community and world...

Razan

.. ( i hope my info wasn't wrong... god forgive me if it was :) )

I think that we tend to present what we don't feel.. By the time we already have had cried, faking our smile becomes a part of us. Doodling smiley faces becomes a habit.

We say that we are simply "okay" when we want to scream out of anger while preventing that lump in our throat from aching us more than it already does.

We fight our demons day and night. We live with out inner struggles every minute.

Then people ask us why does depression fill our aura..and why don't we smile more often..

But what can we say. Our answer?? Nothing but dark silence

There is nothing more to be said.. we are too tire to explain.

We just let them believe that we are just too sensitive and tend to be melodramatic..oh well

Razan